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What if.  http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/ameri i have been to these places and have friends who live in the emergency zone. i have not heard from them, but i am sure they are fine because they live within the city of alajuela, not the outskirts. i'm really glad minnesota doesn't have earthquakes, because they scare the shit out of me. Current mood:  sad.
Step 1: Put your mp3 player on random. Step 2: Post the first line from the first 40 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song. (I've skipped the Spanish language songs.) Step 3: Let everyone guess what song and artist the lines come from. Step 4: Bold the songs when someone guesses correctly. 1. Bury me softly in this womb. 2 Based on your smile, I’m betting all of this might be over soon. 3 We live on a mountain right at the top. 4 What I'm searching for, to tell it straight. 5 Heartbeat, why do you miss when my baby kisses me? 6 September, 29th, 1984, dear so and so. 7. You wired me awake and hit me with a hand of broken nails. 8. I’ve been a bad bad girl. 9. If I could open my arms and span the length of the isle of Manhattan. 10. Oh please don't you think baby that I am wrong to cry, yeah. 11. I want you to understand, you're under observation now, you and your monkey gland. 12. I want you soft in the middle. 13. While I'm far away from you, my baby. 14. I've been sinning I've been livin' I've been beaten. 15. Every finger in the room is pointing at me. 16. Apartment in New York, London and Paris. 17. When I was eight I was sure I was growing nerves. 18. This is a song about Susan. 19. Hello little boys, little toys. 20. So I'm back, to the velvet underground. 21. You think I'd leave your side baby? 22. You’re not ready for the world outside. 23. Hey now girl, what's the matter with me? 24. What else should I be? 25. I see your sister in her Sunday dress. 26. Early in the morning, risin' to the street. 27. It's a sweet sensation over the dub. 28. Long as I remember the rain been coming down. 29. In our endeavor we are never seeing eye to eye. 30. Some people say my love cannot be true. 31. One, two, three, four, tell me that you love me more. 32. I have tried my hopes have blossomed. 33. Unsure of what the balance held I touched my belly overwhelmed. 34. You and me are the disease and the germs are spreading. 35. Norm life baby, we're white and oh so hetero and our sex is missionary. 36. Everything that keeps me together is falling apart. 37. You liked me til you heard my shit on the radio. 38. It's not her fault that she's so irresistible. 39. Help, I have done it again. 40. There's a broken beam inside of the big big bridge. Hey, Want an Obama T-shirt? MoveOn's giving them out if you make a small donation to their young-voter registration program, aimed at registering half a million young voters in swing states. I just got mine, and wanted to share the opportunity with you. Click this link to get your Obama T-shirt: http://pol.moveon.org/obamatshirts/inde Thanks! Today at work... Customer (20ish male): Can I have more ice? (his cup was filled to the top with liquid) Me: Sure. (I pour out enough liquid to put more ice in) Customer: What are you doing?! Why would you do that?! Me: (holding ice scoop, but not putting it in drink yet) Would you still like more ice or would you like me to- Customer: Why would you do that?! That doesn't even make sense. Me: Would you like more ice or- Customer: (huffy) YEAH! Me: (hand customer drink) Customer: (not yelling anymore, but like I'm the stupidest person one Earth) God, I don't understand why you would do that. Why would you do that. Me: (sincerely) I'm sorry. Customer: (scoffs) Whatever. (turns to walk away) Me: (politely, but loud enough for him to hear) Well, you don't need to be rude about it. Then I cried. I didn't mean to. Maybe it was an accumulation since the customer before him was a serious Crabby the Whole World Owes me type person. Or maybe my blood sugar was too low. Or maybe it's normal to cry when someone is a complete dick to you for no reason. I don't get mean people. I assume they're self-loathing depressives with poor coping skills. I was miserable and self-loathing for a solid 10 years, but I had the common courtesy to take it out on myself. Even with Mr. I Don't Understand the Concept that Ice Won't Fit in a Cup if the Cup is Full, the thought of being mean to him didn't ever cross my mind. That being said, most customers are awesome and friendly and familiar with basic spacial laws. I really do love my job. I love people. But if you're the kind of person who thinks it's okay to belittle baristas/waitresses/strangers then get cable TV and STAY HOME. Work is hard lately. Not the actual work, but the whole my stomach hurts/I can't eat anything so I don't have much energy. But I try. I really really try. Today it was hot and humid and busy. Dealing with the public when I feel sick is not on my top ten list. I helped a group of people from Kansas, they were excited because they'd never had bubble tea before. I explained everything and chatted with them. Then one of them said, "You're the nicest person we've met in Minnesota." I wanted to jump over the counter and hug the guy. Two weeks ago I ate half a piece of white bread. I've felt like complete shit until today. It seems ridiculous that an innocent looking piece of bread can ravage hell on my body for two whole weeks! Ok, digestive system, I give. YOU WIN. I already gave up coffee (that's right, part of my soul died), tomatoes, onions, garlic, beans, spicy food, fried food, oils, coconut milk, apples, pears..WHEAT. Being a vegan is easy. Animal products=avoid. This is harder. I'm sick of rice. So then I eat something I shouldn't and am in constant pain for weeks, but can't complain about it since I brought it on myself. That stupid piece of bread wasn't worth 14 days of exhaustion and misery. I probably invited this whole bullshit condition for being so high strung. Now that I don't feel like I'm being stabbed in the stomach, I should start exercising and taking better care of myself- be healthier in general. Anything worth having is probably hard work. What is the first news event you remember? For example, when I was in kindergarten, I remember the Challenger Explosion. I also remember Baby Jessica trapped in the well, I'm not sure which happened first. How would you describe yourself in one word? I keep tabs on the guy who raped me in 1995. With the internet, it's easy. I know he has a kid. (The mother of his child contacted me about a year ago. She hates his guts and said she was sorry for what he did.) I also know he lives in Nebraska, but will be in International Falls the first week of July, the same week I will be there. I've always been afraid of running into him. I don't know what I'd do. Maybe I shouldn't do this to myself. But sometimes I doubt myself, like I made the whole story up and I'm insane, so in a way I want to keep him real. Because when I see pictures of him I know it was real. (When I have panic attacks at the doctor's office or when someone touches my neck I'm also pretty sure it's real.) I thought I was working on forgiveness. Not now. I was looking through his online photo album and saw this picture: http://www.bebo.com/PhotoAlbumBig.jsp?P The girl on the right is actually Jessie, Pig is on the left, that is what he calls his sister. Jessie was my best friend ages 6-16. She stopped being my best friend when I was 16 because when I finally reported the rape to the police, she lied. Everybody at that party lied to the police, even my "friends" who were actual witnesses. I had started to forgive Jessie, she was only 13 when it happened and 15 when the police questioned her, she was just a screwed up kid. But now she is 24, so why the fuck is she friends with the guy who beat up and raped her childhood best friend? Then I saw this: http://www.bebo.com/PhotoAlbumBig.jsp?P Who thinks rape is funny?! Well, Joe does. He thinks it's funny enough to post it in an album kitty corner to the album of his son. Notice how Bart says BITCH in all caps...one of Joe's favorite words right up there with CUNT and SLUT. (Shut up bitch. Bitch, I'll kill you....and later I love you. Call me.) And notice how the title of the picture is "lil sis." Jesus fucking Christ, how in a million years is that funny? I wonder if he is talking about "Pig." He is obviously a really disturbed person (and not very bright), but I don't care. And I don't care what kind of childhood he had (probably not so good, he grew up 3 houses away from me), or what a dead end life he has now. I don't usually talk to everybody about this, but now I want the whole world to know what a sick fuck Joe VanHale is. In fact, this is going to be a public post, because this is what kind of society we have- people rally behind the rapist and the rape survivors are called liars and sluts and we are supposed to keep secrets. Fuck that. Besides, why should I be the one who feels ashamed? He's the violent rapist loser who thinks incest cartoons are funny. I know it's not an answer or even a forever thing, but I started taking Wellbutrin 5 days ago. I felt something different the morning after taking the first dose. I woke up and felt light. There wasn't an anchor weight of pressure on my chest, shallow breathing, rapid heartbeat, vice grips on my throat, Oh my God I can't possibly face this day vague but persistent tidal wave of dread. So I got out of bed. Then much to my surprise I actually started my day. Normally, it takes me several hours to calm down enough to get dressed or accomplish anything. I didn't pace around, fuck with my face in the mirror, fidget on the computer or distract myself while I waited for the anxiety to settle. But I never called it anxiety, it was just a normal part of my morning schedule. Check email, wait til I can breathe, make breakfast, check pulse..Proceed..
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